My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
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What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.