DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”