baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Very good! 👍😂
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.