It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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I’m more of a homeless romantic.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I’m sorry…what?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!