I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
me 2 months after i graduated
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.