*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shortcut
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
There are no pants in heaven.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
“no gods no masters” = leo
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”