What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
#growingpains
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words