Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.