They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.