Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
wtf is an acronym
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real