I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
can I use a minion as a tampon
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.