Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket