fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.