Seals are just dog mermaids.
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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
When they try to steal your moment.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing