I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped