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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.