This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting