Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Can’t stop laughing
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.