Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
You Might Also Like
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Generation gap…
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history