My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
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[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
so i’m at the stock market right
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that