I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I have a black belt in leather
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.