I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
They grow up so quick
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you