Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
You Might Also Like
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.