I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!