Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato