The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
step 6: release the wall snake
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
😅😅😅
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.