cry laughing at this shit
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Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?