65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.