A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Imma just leave this here…………
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable