I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?