I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
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My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work