If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
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Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Mad Max Arctic Road
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor