my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
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my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed