You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I’m listening
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”