“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
(Gaming support cat.)
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
How your email finds me
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.