Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?