When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Okay
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
sir, my pâté if you please
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.