Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
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My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.