Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.