One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Rather alarming headline…
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Sing it!
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.