you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]