[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
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My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Ain’t no way
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Twitter fine art
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
LMAO
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Wait a minute…