If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
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Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I have never related to anyone more.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
*jingles half the way*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
new career option?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit