Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
How dude HOW?!
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity