Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?