I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’