Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
You Might Also Like
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
this is the greatest thing ever
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers