This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine