Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
podcasts
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*