Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
philosophical skeletons be like
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself